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Hello hello my beautiful friends!
I hope you’re ready for a refresh of one of my most popular posts—Are you Dating Yourself—because that’s what we’re getting into today! To keep it interesting, I am adding some new nuggets and value for you. <3
You’ve heard me say this a thousand times in this blog (and TBH, you will probably hear it a thousand more times from me): your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have… and so many of us neglect it OR we put the needs of others ahead of our own. Hello, teen Bre…. 😉
So, how do we focus on ourselves? My answer will always be….*drum roll*….dating yourself! When you’re alone, without distractions, you have an opportunity to observe your thoughts regularly, to see your habits more clearly. You will create space to notice things like, “When I feel judged, I try to perform in these ways…”, “When I feel uncomfortable, I want to exit a situation as quickly as possible”, “I notice I experience shame when others see me eating alone, what does that tell me about areas where I need to heal trauma?”, “The idea of taking a Saturday night for myself feels selfish, what does this say about my priority of self-care?”, “I’m very uncomfortable not having someone else with me, how does this show up in my romantic relationships?”.
Dating yourself as a self-love practice allows you to see your habits for what they are: programming. Phenomenal growth can come from this kind of introspection AND this kind of observation occurs when you test yourself in public so the vulnerability and risk of judgement is there. (No, I'm not trying to make this sound torturous!)
Cultivating this kind of a deep and comfortable relationship with yourself teaches you to handle social anxiety, builds resilience when it comes to public perception, and allows you to check in with what you need; just like you would for a loved one.
How do you know when you’ve built the type of resilience and comfortability needed to help with things like anxiety, self-love, and therefore manifestation? Well, my answer for you is: when you can comfortably take yourself out to a movie, restaurant, on vacation, to a cafe, or to a comedy show…. without anyone else and without a crutch (a book, journal, texting, etc.).
The Need to Appear Busy
Many people are comfortable being in public alone when they appear to be busy writing, texting, reading, working, etc. The real question is: can you handle being alone without something to make you appear busy to the people around you? When suggesting this concept, I used to say “bring a book or journal to write in”, but I've changed my mind on this in the past year. Now I think its best to hold off until you’re comfortable without the appearance of busy-ness as a crutch. You can add in the book or journal later, but my advice is to wait until you’ve gotten over the feelings of awkwardness that come from sitting by yourself. If you need the book, you NEED to leave it at home!
And yes, dating yourself can, and does, feel really uncomfortable at first. You’re sitting there like, “omg they probably think I’m getting stood up, they probably think I’m such a loner, they’re probably feeling so sorry for me….” But these thoughts are all about other people’s perception of you. So why does it matter? Are you likely to see these people again? Why do we give so much credence to people who may only see us once in our lives!
Dating yourself helps you get over the need to “appear cool” for the sake of others, or the need to please others by conforming to the social norms that make THEM comfortable.
To break this habit of pleasing people you don’t even know, you have to start putting yourself in positions that make you uncomfortable. Dressing up for YOU, no one else, and then choosing to eat dinner alone in public, going to see a movie by yourself, having a cocktail alone at the bar, grab yourself flowers, etc. Experience your own company.
This concept is supposed to feel challenging; it’s supposed to push you out of your comfort zone because that’s where you grow.
The more comfortable you become with your discomfort, the less you care about the perception and opinions of others. This level of resilience allows you to protect your peace and your energy.
When You've Mastered Dating Yourself
For some of you, dating yourself may be easy. Maybe you have always done this or maybe you caught my last post on this topic worked on it ever since. If that’s the case, awesome! What’s next for you to work on? Another layer of discomfort (sorry, not sorry).
I imagine we all have many layers of discomfort and vulnerability. In my opinion, learning to be comfortable dating yourself is going to be one of the first few layers you will work through. Once you've worked through a layer until it is no longer uncomfortable, go to the next layer. What can you do to get yourself to that level of discomfort again? As we begin to make our way through all of our layers, we free ourselves from more of our programming.
Imagine what your energetic set point could be like if very few things caused you to be uncomfortable. Imagine going through life not giving ONE SINGLE SHIT about what people thought of you. And not the toxic "I don't give a shit" attitude that hides anger, I mean the real genuine "I do what I want" breezy attitude. Sounds amazing right?! Working through your layers can get you to this place by toning down your ego.
Once you’ve successfully learned to date yourself, find the next level of discomfort you need in order to challenge yourself. Make sure your next challenge is uncomfortable FOR YOU so that you can work to build a new level of fear resiliency. How about singing or dancing in public? Wearing an outfit you’re unsure about? Standing up for yourself to a toxic parent? Disagreeing with a boss’s opinion? Taking up public speaking? What can you lean into that challenges you and makes you nervous? Good. Do THAT.
The whole idea of dating yourself is intended to put yourself in safe situations that make you uncomfortable so you can know yourself better by observing the thoughts you experience in that moment. It's important to note that when we’re uncomfortable, we tend to express our toxic traits more often than not. Take notice of things like:
How do you want self-soothe when you’re experiencing discomfort? What are your habits? Do you beat yourself up for looking stupid? Do you distract yourself with mental to-do lists? Do you get aggressive when you’re angry? Do you want to control things when you’re overwhelmed or uncomfortable?
Learn and understand how you react to stress. Knowing these answers will teach you a lot about how you show up in relationships, or better yet, the types of relationships you’ve manifested. You attract who you are, so now is the time to reflect on your own toxic behaviors. No shame here, we all have them…
You have to learn to enjoy your own company, to love your own company. This will give you the confidence to set boundaries and create relationships that serve your higher self. The best way to teach someone how you expect to be treated is to show them. More importantly, if you feel completely comfortable being on your own, you will never stay in a relationship that isn’t serving your best interests. I’ll say that again because I think that’s the most important part of this whole episode: when you’re completely comfortable on your own, you might be alone, but you will never be lonely.
People who are comfortable alone will be more empowered to leave the relationship that isn’t complementing the life they want to live. I’m not saying that it’s easier to leave, but you’re more empowered to make the best decision for yourself and that outweighs any fear or grief.
Today’s message is so important and so worth repeating because I know so many women who have stayed in a relationship out of comfort, or out of fear of being lonely. Hell, I’ve been that woman! We deserve better. Our partners deserve better. If your relationship is great already, and I truly hope it is, how much better could it be if you better understood your habits and triggers? How you respond to a perceived threat (aka a fight)?
Take a break from any partner(s) if you have them and spend a Friday or Saturday night alone. Turn down a date night with others for a date night with numero uno. I firmly believe when we show up for ourselves more, we show up better for others. It’s great that we seek a connection as a species, but many of us don’t connect with ourselves first.
Relationship Chameleons
Have you ever had that friend that seems to change lifestyles depending on who they’re dating? These friends are relationship chameleons. If you don’t connect with yourself and know who you are, you’re susceptible to becoming a relationship chameleon. These are people who transform themselves to the desires of the person they’re with instead of becoming their own version of themselves. This type of person reminds me of the movie Run Away Bride: in the movie, Julia Robert’s changes how she likes her eggs depending on who she’s dating at the time. Relationship chameleons are like that! They might pick up a new hobby they don’t care for, eat food that they don’t like, even live where they don’t want to live trying to be perfect for someone that they thought they should be with…. It’s a miserable way to live (if you can call it living).
Relationship chameleons struggle to be happy because they don’t know what it takes to make them happy. They've never spent time figuring it out. They’re not used to putting themselves first, understanding their likes and dislikes, noticing their tendency to jump into relationships when they’re finally single... All of this can be observed when you allow yourself to sit down and engage in my favorite self-love practice, and the topic of today.
I’ll finish this post with this final message: Dating yourself is a self-worth practice that allows you to understand yourself, your needs, and allows you to cultivate a relationship with others based on what you WANT instead of your PROGRAMMING.
And that, we will talk more about next week.
Thank y’all so much for hanging out with me today! Have a fantastic rest of your week, and I will catch you next Monday. Until then, go out there, and manifest some miracles.
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